I’m so fucking done with this. Done trying to open up or anything. This is bullshit.
When you feel out of place and don’t know what to do. Yeah, that feeling.
fucking shit
Watching 500 Days of Summer doesn’t actually help anything. Damn.
fuck this feeling.
The ramble:
I haven’t been sleeping well, I’ve accounted this to being on vacation and having much more time to think and over-think than my previous schedule allowed. When I think it hurts. It hurts because I come to realize the things I’ve messed up and haven’t spent nearly enough time working out how to fix it; not that it necessarily means I’m attempting to make the pain stop, but more so that I need to realize why it’s there and to learn from this. I want to be better for those that I care about. I want to be able to open up more to them when they ask me to. Why do I remain to guarded when they’re able to let their guards down for me. I don’t have fears be I am often afraid I will hurt the ones I care about. I’m just so sick of not knowing what I’m doing and acting like if I pretend I’ve got everything under control that it will be. I want to be strong, to not need a device to let my guard down with (but here I am using writing on this blog as one). I want to be okay. I want to be able to sleep without letting my mind win in the game of torment. I find it so easy to forgive others and yet I continue to chastise myself and to what end? I don’t want to burden others but I also don’t want to be alone. I strive to do good, but what does that even mean anymore? I feel that instead of being Zane I’m simply letting the wills of others flow through and around me. Have I become so passive and uncaring that I’ve lost myself?
Who is Zane:
The last time I tried to define myself and strive to live by the principles of which I thought consisted of me was during my junior year of high school. At that time I had tried to concentrate myself from my peers. I stopped cursing, and attempted to live with minimal sin and the utmost honesty. The cursing was the easier to keep of the two. Since then I once again curse and I don’t exactly lie, but I do withhold truth. I remember that after a serious of mistakes I tried to shape my wants around not hurting anyone, and appeasing everyone; that effort proved to be futile and tremendously difficult. I still prefer to live with others in mind and from an alternative perspective of the expected. I don’t stress openly or often. I remain patient and try to be without judgment against others for I have no right to do so because I am no better than anyone else.
Why this, why now:
This is for myself. I’m here, in Texas, away from my friends and out of my comfort zone. I’m spending time with my family, which is nice, but tiresome. I’ve grown used to being independent and this somehow feels like a weight to have to spend all my time based upon the plans of others. This is in a way also for Amy. I want to share more with you, but I don’t really know how to go about it anymore. I don’t want to bother you and there is a relative large amount of physical distance separating us. I know you used to want me to share more with you and I guess I’m finally taking you up on this offer, well, more than previously. I could understand if you longer wanted to gaze deeper into who you’ve gotten to know over these years, so I will stop here.
